This fanfic doesn't just belong to me. It was co-authored by My very good friend. InTheFlesh1997! Give him a round of applause! We both got together to write this fanfic. Hope you will like it!
Today was just like any other day in Langley Falls. Especially for the goldfish known as Klaus Heissler.
And alongside him was an alien known as Roger Smith. As well as CIA's most trusted worker Stan, housewife Francine, chill Hayley, and cool boy Steve. Together they work hard. Except for Klaus who tries to help, but can never. Every night, he'd cry himself to sleep, wishing he'd never be a fish. But it wasn't always that way.
Roger comes to aid the crying goldfish. "Something on your mind". Asked Roger.
Klaus cries, "I just want to be a human again! Damn that CIA! I never done anything to hurt them!"
Roger responds, "I know buddy! I know! Why don't you set up an appointment with Dr Penguin!"
Klaus agreed to go to therapy. The next day Klaus was all ready to meet Dr Penguin.
Steve comes out of Roger's attic, Dr Penguin will see you now. ". Klaus walks inside.
"So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Heisler?" Dr. Penguin asked. Klaus didn't say anything. He just sat at the bottom of his bowl. "Come on". Roger as Dr. Penguin encouraged the fish. Klaus swam up. "Well you see, Being a fish is way more complicated then a human. I miss being my old self. Look at me. Seeing a shrink! I feel like Robert De Niro in Analyze This!"
Dr Penguin says, "I got the thing that will bring you back to your old self!"
Klaus says delightedly, "Really? You going to put mein body back into a human?"
Dr Penguin responds, "No, sorry I can't do that. But I will prescribe an anti depressant called Effexor!".
Klaus was pleased he will feel better emotionally although he cannot turn back into a human.
Dr Penguin says, "Take two everyday and send this script to the pharmacy!"
"Oh boy! Can't wait to take Effexor and feel great again! As I did before I was a fish!" Klaus said with vigor.
"Hey, do you think there's anything you can do to help me with my depression? I have abandonment issues with my parents! " Jeff asked. "Sorry, I'm a therapist, not a doctor" Dr. Penguin replied, walking out the door.
Klaus sees Stan in the living room. "How did it go?". Asked Stan.
"Very well! Boy I can't wait to get that Effexor "! Klaus said.
Francine offers, "I can drive you to get the script when it's ready".
"No need. I already have somebody." Klaus said, pointing to Roger. "He can't be seen in public." Francine said. "Yeah, besides if the CIA found out about him, I'll sent to prison." Stan said. "Not without my disguises." Roger said, walking up to the atttic. "I have a full wardrobe."
"All right, whatever!". Stan said rolling his eyes.
Roger puts on his wardrobe and drives Klaus to get his script.
"Oh boy! When I get my Effexor I'm going to be a New man!". Klaus says.
Roger tells Klaus, "You mean a new fish!".
Klaus says, "Man!" Roger then says, "Fish with a brand new attitude! Man, fish whatever!"
"I don't know what you're gassing on about. I prefer the term new man." Klaus said excitedly. "Don't know, what your talking about either." Roger said handing Klaus the script.
Klaus stared at the paper in shock. "Nein! Nein! Nein! This can't be!" He said.
Roger puts out his hand, "Dr Penguin doesn't come cheap you know!"
"But I don't have $300! " Klaus pleaded.
"That's the American Health Care System for you! Now pay up or Die!". Roger demands.
Klaus goes to his piggy bank to try to find a way to pay off his script.
"No! Only 100! Roger please I beg of you, do you have 200 I can borrow? I promise to pay you back." Klaus cried.
Roger thought for a moment. "Yes!" He reaches in a small box and pulls out 2 Franklin's, and hands it to Klaus. "I was going to save it up. By the way you owe me 500, plus 40 boxes of Pecan Sandies."
"Why the sandies?" Klaus asked tucking the money away in a envelope. "It's an addiction. I'm like Jason Patric and Jennifer Jason Leigh in the movie Rush!" Roger whispered, getting into his costume.
"I can't come up with that much money! Klaus yelled.
"Why not get a job? Stan is always up in my ass to get a life." Roger advised.
"That's it! A job. However I'm going to need a high paying one to pay you off!" Klaus told Roger.
"You ought to become famous somehow. How about a pop star? I can help you out with that!". Roger said.
Klaus says, "Nein! I will not degrade myself in that way."
Roger says, "But you still want to be on tv or social media somehow."
"Exactly." Klaus said. He took the Efexxor and went to sleep that was until an idea came to him.
"I got it! I can get my own FOX News show. It's perfect" Klaus yelled in excitement. "You'll call the station first thing in the morning." Roger announces.
The Next Day...
As the family was eating breakfast, Klaus was in the other room, trying to contact FOX. "Hello, FOX station, can I help you?" A man said Klaus cleared his throat. "Yes, I was wondering if you guys have any openings for a..." Just then Roger came downstairs. "Oh my God, I came up with the perfect idea. You can host your own TV or News show" Roger yelled with excitement. "I'll call FOX."
"Roger, that's who I'm talking to right now" Klaus said. Roger stared at Klaus for a second. "Oh." He said before walking into the kitchen.
"Hey guys, Klaus is talking about starting his own news show" Roger tells them.
Everybody stared at him in shock. "Haha!" Stan chuckled, "In no time at all.
We will have a FOX News Host in our very own house!" "Yeah right. He's a fish, they'll never accept him." Hayley says. "Right on, babe.". Jeff said to his wife. Excited whoops were heard in the background. I finally have my own show now!" Klaus cheered!
Stan was astounded. "No way! Shut the front door! You're a FOX News anchor now!".
Klaus tells him straight out, "I am now! Prepare to enter The Heslier Factor! Which is the name of my show"!
"You stole that From Bill O'Reilly!" Stan said.
"He's long gone from that channel! So his title is up for grabs". Klaus said.
"Let me guess! It's going to be a No Spin Zone." Stan rolled his eyes.
Klaus answers, "How did you guess!"
"We were all listening to the conversation after Roger told us" Stan said.
Roger decided to drive Klaus to the FOX News Station.
"I am here for my interview" He said.
Rupert Murdoch was at the desk, "So you must be this famous fish I heard so much about!"
"Ja that is me" Klaus said. "Great! Just fill out this paperwork and will call you back when were ready" Murdoch said.
Klaus signed the paperwork. He was feeling high on happy!
"Gonna be on a show, I know" Klaus sang happily.
Rupert Murdoch says, "We love someone with your enthusiasm!"
"When do I start?" Asked Klaus.
"Tomorrow morning" Rupert Murdoch tells Klaus.
"What time?" Asked Klaus. "Let's say ten-ish." Murdoch said.
"Sounds good!" Klaus replied.
The next day Klaus was driven to the FOX News studios in New York by Roger. "Break a leg and knock em dead!" Roger told Klaus.
"I cannot believe that I'm getting my own show" Klaus said in excitement.
At the news station, Klaus and Roger wait to be called back. A voice calls, "Klaus! You're on!" "It's time!" Klaus said, as he scooted in the room. After the interview, Roger and Klaus sat back in the waiting room, while the crew decided on a result. "They love me!" Klaus said.
Graphics for Klaus's show are shown. An announcement says and a newscaster style song plays, "Welcome to The Heissler Factory! Here is your host, Klaus Heissler!"
"Thank you for joining us on this pleasant day." Klaus said. Stan, Francine, Steve, Jeff and Hayley all watch from home.
Roger and Klaus cheer after the shooting of his show while coming home. Klaus goes on to film his first episode! Back at the Smith's house. Stan asks, "So how is Klaus going to do?"
"I'm just so happy he has a new lease on life!". Said Francine.
Roger and Klaus walk in. "Guys, you are looking at the fish who taped his first episode!" Said Klaus. "Oh that's great" Francine said. "Did you hear that Stan?"
Stan ignored until Francine bonked him on the head. "I said did you hear that!" Francine said. "Oh. Good job Klaus" Stan said.
The next day Klaus is filming an episode where he interviews an unnamed liberal politician. Klaus was asking basic questions basically about his personality and life. Klaus interviews the man, "What are your thoughts on today's issues?"
"Something that's hard to say" replied the man. Klaus says, "Well try to think! What are your thoughts on wearing masks or Black Lives Matter?" "Well the mask part I feel is important, to protect from the virus. And the lives matter is just over racism for what that police officer did." The man replied.
Klaus said, "Okay moving on. What do you think of finding a vaccine for the virus?" "I find it great. We can hopefully find a cure and stop this pandemic" The man replied. Stan watched, "Atta boy Klaus!"
"Good" Klaus said. "Tune in for tommorow's episode, as I interview Joe Biden and why he agrees on defunding the police. This is Klaus Heissler saying... Why!? Why!? Why defund or police, I have an owner who works for the CIA!" The TV cuts out as he screams into the camera. Stan, Francine and Steve stare in shock.
Francine says, " I agree with him there. "So do I." Stan said. "Hope the police don't get defunded!". Said Steve.
"If it succeeds you'll be out of a job!". Roger said.
"Don't worry, if we get defund I got a plan" Stan said. "What is it? Have Klaus be the provider?". Asked Francine. "No! By using a mind controller." Klaus said in a sarcastic scene of guilt. After the debut of Klaus's show there were protests in Langley Falls about defunding the police.
"People," Klaus said over a megaphone. "Why do you want to defund the police?" "Police are murderers!". Said someone in the crowd. "You made us believe, Klaus"!
Said another person in the crowd. Jeff and Hayley join the protest too!
"Come on it was all a mistake. I'm sure all those officers didn't mean to kill them" Klaus said. Just then the unexpected happened. Something that shocked all of Langley. A limousine pulled up, and the first person to step out was vice president Joe Biden himself in the flesh.
Stan was dismayed, "Joe Biden!"
"Why is he here!" Asked Francine.
Stan screamed, "NNNNOOOO! NNNNOOOO! What about the CIA?" "That includes removing the CIA" He said. Klaus feels remorseful. "I never meant for this to happen!"
"Then fix it!". Roger yells!
Just as Klaus turned around the limo was gone. "At times at this I wish Klaus had stayed depressed.". Said Steve. "I agree. I liked the old Klaus" Francine said. As people were rioting in their neighborhood. Roger gets an idea to stop the anti police riots.
"Hang on. I'll be right back!" Roger said. He runs to the attic. Roger's dons on his Ricky Spanish persona.
A voiceover says, "Presenting the Return Of ...Ricky Spanish!"
"Alright go Roger. Just don't go out of control like last time" Stan said.
Roger says, "Stand back everybody! I'm going in. Like Sidney Lumet in the movie Network! I'm Mad As Hell! And I Am Not Going To Take it Anymore!"
Roger walks down to the crowd. The crowd looks at Roger. This time Roger uses his Ricky Spanish persona for a good cause. Roger grabs the megaphone. "People I am here to say... Stop the madness! Do we want another Jeffrey Dahmer? in this world, or another John Gacy? If you wanna refund the police, then try to stop me." He jumped into the crowd and began to attack.
Klaus was pleased Roger came through for him.
"Come on." He said. Klaus held onto Roger's hand, and fought his way through the crowd.
Stan and Francine watched the whole thing.
"After this is over hopefully, you'll get to keep your job.". Said Francine.
"I know." Klaus said, scooting away. "She was talking to me, Klaus." said Stan. "Shit." Klaus said.
Roger was able to stop the riots. Joe Biden sees it all. He walked over to Roger and removed his costume. "Well, well, well looks like we got a real life alien!" He said. The crowd gasps! "Get him!" A member from the crowd yelled. Jeff and Hayley side with him.
Stan says, "Now I'm really going to be out of a job!"
Francine says, "Something has got to come out of this!"
A few minutes went by, and suddenly another limo pulled up. The person who stepped out was Bullock. He pulled out his gun and aimed it at Joe. Bullock shot Joe with a blow dart. Everyone gasps in shock as it goes completely silent. Bullock throws Joe Biden in the back of his limo.
"Drive!" Bullock yelled at the driver. Stan calls Bullock on his cellphone, "Thank you for this Bullock!" "Youre entirely welcome Smith! Besides, defunding the CIA! Do you think I'd let that happen!" Bullock tells Stan over the phone. "Absloutely not!" said Stan. "Report for work first thing in the morning, Smith!" said Bullock. "I'd be more than welcome to!" Stan said hanging up the cellphone.
The chaos was soon over. So everyone left town hall and Cherry Street. Klaus went back to hosting his new show. However when his meds run out he has a huge meltdown on the air. Klaus began to tear up a bit. "You okay?" A man asked off screen. "You're not answering my question! Screams Klaus. Who then begins to swear out every profane word ever!
"FUCK! SHIT! ASS! SON OF A BITCH!"
"Okay somebody get him out" Another man said. "Stay away from me you son of a b*tch!" Klaus said. "Sorry, we do not tolerate this type of language on our programs.". Rupert Murdoch tells Klaus.
"But, please! Give me another chance!" begs Klaus.
"No I'm sorry. You're fired. Leave now!" Rupert Murdoch said.
Klaus scooted his way out and drags himself back to the Smith House.
Stan, Hayley, Steve, Jeff, Francine and Roger stare at Klaus. "Listen I'm sorry for that outburst, it's just something went wrong" He said.
"I see." Stan said, tapping his foot. "And you almost had me fired too, and the whole production of your show shut down."
"You still have your job at the CIA. Why are you upset? It's me who's unemployed!". Said a saddened Klaus. "Well sorry to hear that. The only job that matters in this house is mine with the CIA! I'm still mad because you embarrassed me. " Stan said running out the door.
"Will you ever forgive me?" asked Klaus. "I'll have to think about it." Stan said headed off to work. Roger flushes the Effexor down the toilet. "Thanks for nothing you stupid ass anti depressent!"
And with that, Klaus went back to his boring miserable humdrum life. Roger, Stan, Francine, Hayley and Steve were all glad to have the old Klaus back.
And that's a rap!